My Boss' Daughter

Dear Adam,

I am 17 years old and I work for a man who is in the importing business. He has a daughter a couple years younger than me who is quite pretty. I don't want to mess up my summer and after school job by dating his daughter, whom has not be on a date yet... however, I have lived so close to her for so many years and I just can help but wonder what it would be like if she and I were together. What should I do?

Sincerely,
K. Ray

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Dear K. Ray;

Thank you for your question. I agree that it is difficult to date the bosses daughter, even if she is quite attractive. However, if you follow your heart but keep all the factors of life in mind then you will reach the right way to go.

It isn't so much about whether you should date her or not, but rather whether why you find her attractive at all. Think about what you will think in 10 years. Will you regret not pursuing your boss' daughter a little more? You could always take her out for ice cream or something very mild like that until she feels comfortable doing more date-like activities.

And so, bear in mind all possible out comes and if it is something that the pros outweigh the cons, then go for it. If you still feel uneasy, then perhaps you can find someone else to think about.

Hope this helps.

Yours,
adam

Falling for an Older Woman

Dear Adam;

I am 26 years old and I have been spending a lot of time with a woman who is ten years older than I am. She is single and really attractive. I think I might be falling in love with her. I told her that I liked her and she said that she liked me too. All the signs are saying that she is interested in a relationship. However, I am a little apprehensive about getting into a relationship with a woman so much older than me. First, I want to have children and she is getting to the age where it will be more difficult to concieve and have a baby. Second, isn't the guy supposed to be the oldest? I know it is the 21st century and all, but I am nervous about it. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Mark W.

Dear Mark W.,

Thank you for your question. It sounds like you are in a wonderful place! Nevermind, for a moment, that she is 36... she is a woman and you are a man and you are in love. What a wonderful place and I hope you are able to savor the flavor of new love!

In the long run of things, if you really love this woman then age won't matter as much. I have struggled with the idea of not being able to have children myself, and I too really want to have children. However, you must remember that there is more than biology to being a father. The options are really wide open.

And 36 is not old! It is less and less old the closer I get to it!

Seize the day and savor the flavor of love... chances are when you are old and gray or dead and gone you won't regret having taken the chance, but you will probably very likely regret not even trying to be in a relationship with this woman. Life's too short to think so hard. First, date her and tell her you love her and then worry about having kids with her.

Good luck!

yours,

adam

Rebecca Writes:

I kind of agree with Marla; I think that now that I am over 30, "Girls" is more desirable than, say, 10 years ago, however, I don't like, and have never liked being referred to as "Guys."Why is it that in a mixed group, or worse yet, in a group of all women, must someone always say, "hey guys?" How many groups of guys have been hanging around together and someone addresses the crowd as, "hey ladies!" Okay, someone BESIDES the high school coach.It is probably an innocuous term to most, but it has always been a peeve of mine!

Thanks,

Rebecca R.

My Response:

Dear Rebecca,

Thanks for your comment. The problem with our society is that it is so old. We have a long standing history of degradation of women, where women, for the most part, have not been viewed as people, much less as equal human beings. That talk was ludicrous a century or two ago and all before it. Even in the church women were made to sit in a special place so as not to tempt men- as if it were their fault for men's wondering eyes.

To be honest with you I really didn't understand the big issue with calling women "girls" until a buddy of mine explained it to me. This is where men can have some good influence on other men- you can hear woman after woman go on about how she isn't a girl and how she should be called a woman. But when a buddy of yours looks you in the eye and asks you if you honestly think that the women, even of this day, didn't work harder to get where they are than you did to get where you are. For a man, who still holds the reigns by the way, to say to a woman, "Girl," is a bit degrading. Certainly, I am not talking of lover-speak or any of the fun nickname types of things that lovers do. I am speaking of men who refuse to refer to a mature female as a woman.

Honestly, it takes some thought and if you have not noticed men tend not to like to default to the thinking route too often. Turn the tables and they will most certainly understand. And that is really, I think, the goal of life, to be able to take a step in someone else's shoes and understand that while they are different than you- you are fundamentally the same and thus what hurts one person must hurt everyone.

Men, women, everyone says, "See you later guys" in reference to men and women. Often I like to try to say, "See y'all later" or "good bye peeps" or something trendy like that to avoid saying guys. However I, with the majority of the people who say it, were programed to refer to a group of people as "guys." This subconscious training isn't as detrimental, though I imagine it could be, as for a man to say to a woman, even with the best intention, "girl."

Ultimately, it comes down to communication. We have a wonderful and terrible power that comes with speaking, we can either build up or tear down, often there are few in betweens. We need to be sensitive to others, lest they be insensitive to us.

Perhaps since this is the online version and more than one person might read this, I should apologize for the people who have mistakenly and accidentally made you, and any woman, feel inferior and speak to you inauthentically. But alas, I can only speak for myself. However, I do want to encourage you to offer grace where grace was not spared for you. One of the reasons I am so intrigued by the feminine and all things feminine is that she has endured so much and deep down she is good, she might get bitchy from time to time, but in the end you'd want to be with no one else.

And so, in conclusion, the reference of that men do to women as "girls" or groups of people as "guys" are fundamentally from the same cause, and that is a cultural desensitivity to the special feelings of minority people. Rome was not built in a day and true love is not found in a half an hour... so it might take some time. But encourage people when they get it right and continue not to be afraid of speaking your mind. Men are not that smart, they need to be told when they do something wrong.

Thanks so much.

Yours,

Adam

Retro Ask Adam: "Women... NOT Girls!"

This is another article I wrote for my Ask Adam Column for the SEMI, the school newspaper at my seminary. I got in trouble for calling women at the seminary "girls" and was scolded several times so I thought I'd write this as penance.

Ask Adam:
Women, Not Girls!

Dear Adam;
I really have problems with men who refer to women as “girls” or “chicks” or some other derogatory name. We are not “girls.” We are women. I think a lot of the men are intimidated by women with a calling. What do you think?

Truly,
Marla S.

Dear Marla;
Thank you for your comment. I agree. I would recommend letting men know when you are offended. One of the most common reasons for hurt feelings and arguments is miscommunication. The number one way you can help men become more understanding of women’s needs is to be clear about what offends you. Don’t assume they get it because they might not.
I do think women with a calling or direction in their lives intimidate some men. However, these men usually are having problems discerning their own calling and places in this world. It is more about them and less about you. I am glad you are here.

Yours,
Adam

My First "ASK ADAM" Article

Below is my first "Ask Adam" article. As you can see they are quite short and to the point. I did have a word limit as I will try to keep, well basically here. As I said, this was my first artcile. An elderly woman approached me in the library shortly after this was published and said, "Oh it's too bad what that woman did to that poor, poor man!" I didn't have the heart to tell her I made the question up. Notice the reference to Fight Club.

Ask Adam:
Coffee = Date ???

Dear Adam;

I asked a friend of mine for a cup of coffee and she said she didn’t think of me like that. I didn’t want a date I just wanted to have a cup of coffee. When I ask a girl at Fuller out for a cup of coffee does it always translate into a “date”?

Sincerely,
Tyler D.

Dear Tyler;
Thank you for your letter. Sometimes “coffee” means “date,” and other times coffee really means coffee. There will always be tension between women and men- it is in the Good Book. It is a consequence of sin- we don’t always understand each other.

We must know the context of our relationships just as the context of a passage we study. This context is your feelings and the feelings of the other person- these may not always be the same. Tread lightly. Know your intentions- do not be afraid to express them. Be clear on what your intentions are.

Yours,
Adam

Single Guy 2004 Article- BLAST FROM THE PAST

At the risk of living in the past I am going to post my first "Single Guy" article I wrote for Fuller Seminary's SEMI. I will edit names to protect the innocent:

Single Guy 2004
(This article is dedicated to the memory of the Single Guy, the Lord of the Garth—Congradulations on your marriage!)
by Adam...

When you transition to another phase in life, be it college or seminary or your first job, you have anxious desires to find someone “special” who would be your sunshine, who would make your rainy days not so blue. People have asked me, “Adam, why don’t you date people at Fuller.” I can’t say it is because there is a lack of beautiful women, or that my heart does not desire romance.
One of the first people I met when I came to Fuller Seminary was a guy named Greg P. Two years in a row he wrote two articles about dating at Fuller for the Semi and was deemed, by himself and others, as the “Fuller Single Guy.” This is not my attempt to follow in Greg’s footsteps; my feet are only so big- but I would like to share of myself- take it for what it is worth.
Shortly after Greg and I became good friends he encouraged me to write an article for the Semi, following in the tradition of the “Fuller Single Guy.” I ended up writing an article- I am always one to take somebody up on a challenge- but it was far from Greg’s single guy article. Instead I wrote about how a friend of mine died in high school, who I had not told how special she was. She was beautiful, but I did not want to come across as just another guy who was trying to flirt with her, nor did I care to look stupid. Over her grave I promised myself that I would not let beauty pass me by without acknowledging it.
Now that I have spent a couple more years here, I have become a bit bolder and don’t mind opening my heart for the world of Fuller Seminary to see. Rich Mullins once said at one of his last concerts, “Everybody always goes, ‘Oh, you're single, what a tragedy.’ And I'm kinda like, well, yeah, from about 10 till 2 it is a tragedy. But that time is a tragedy for most married people as well.”
My whole life I have been trying to figure things out. Perhaps one of the reasons I am at Fuller is because I am so curious about God, so much that four years at college studying religion was not enough. While God is confusing, that is okay, because God never promised not to be confusing. The same goes with women, no one ever told me that I would one day understand women. Deep down I have always really wanted to know myself- and I think this is where a lot of people mess their lives up. When you are afraid of looking at yourself or spending time with yourself, no wonder you don’t do the things that you probably should do. Now, I have one of the healthiest fears of commitment you will find. We all have been hurt and maybe even hurt others. This area of life leaves the worst scars and bruises us fairly easy, so I tend to tread lightly. Chesterton once said that the reason angels could fly was because they took themselves lightly. I have tried to take note.
Right now there is so much already distracting me from God, mostly schoolwork, Dating is dangerous, especially for me because I tend to distract easily. When I sit down with God I need to know that it will be about God and not about how I am feeling about some girl. I am not mature enough right now not to get sidetracked- I wonder if I ever will be. You may say that it is inevitable that you want to “pray for” your special friend more, but all that I have experienced is that I tend to want to think about them more and call it praying for them. When praying ceases to be about God it turns into fantasy. I would like to at least feel a bit closer to God, if that is possible, before I get into the relationship that would change my entire life.
When you get to Fuller the temptation is to think, “Holy Cow, look at all these single Christians!” While I have seen many good friends meet each other and get married and be happy, I have also seen very good people get in situations that are very bad, because they wanted to date each other. While that is good for some, I don’t know if I have the emotions and energy (not to mention the money) to spend on making a mistake (even if it will be one of my favorite mistakes).
Before Greg P there was a guy who wrote an article that prompted Greg to write his, in which he talked about dating at Fuller. A week after the article was published he met the girl who would one day be his wife. Greg was hoping that would be the case (instead he had to wait a couple years and marry the girl he always had a crush on, Christina Lee). I would be lying if I said that I don’t somewhat hope the same would happen to me, but honestly it would be a bit untimely. When you pray for the world, be careful- for you just might get it.
Do not get me wrong, there are few things I desire more than a family and a wife, or just someone I can be truly honest and love deeper than most people. Most of the times when I get lonely I long more for having kids than I do for having a wife. I thought this was pretty weird until I read that St. Francis might have struggled more about not having kids than not being married. The feelings are there, and while I agree (to some extent) with Friedrich Schleiermacher about how feelings are genuine spiritual experiences, I don’t want to give them too much weight. I know where they will take me.
Where the flowers meet the chocolate is when you are living you just can’t plan things out with too much accuracy, unless your life is overly mundane or you are extremely realistic. When you live you run the risk of falling in love, but I guess that is what life is all about.
My name is Adam, I am 25 years old and I am a single guy. As Rich Mullins would say: this is the world as best as I can remember it.

What is Ask Adam?

When I was in seminary I spent some of my free time writing articles for my school's newspaper. A group of articles I wrote were about how I am single and how good it was to be single. I was pretty much bs-ing most of it, but I still am content in myself and what not. At any rate, after a while I had thought it would be funny if the self-proclaimed "Single Guy" wrote an advice column centered around romantic advice... and to have it be politically correct and sometimes rather sarcastic.

It went great! Most everyone loved it, though they didn't always get it. One woman asked me, "Adam, is this serious or are you just making it up?" Well, the answer was both. Professors loved it, classmates thought it was pretty weird but funny. And for a couple years I have been away from doing these little things, so I think I might try to do it again.

So the thought behind this blogger is to address questions I encounter, whether people ask me directly or respond with a comment directly. The questions can be about anything, but it is more fun if it is centered around relationships.

I do have a seminary degree, but I am in no way qualified to give actual clinical advice that is serious. So... if you are so bold, ask me a question and I will answer it, if only in my own unique Adam way.